i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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