And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
