He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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