don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
