So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
