Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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