tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
