fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
