I am puke
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
