my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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