if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
