I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
