She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
