My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize