She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
