my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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