Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
