I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
