can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
