Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
3pm strippers are depressing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
