I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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