I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
