so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
