Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
