So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
