I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
