He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
