I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
