dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
