i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
