why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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