I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
