Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
