he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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