I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
