Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize