Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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