Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
