2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
