The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
