maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize