A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
