You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
