i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
