Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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