i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
