Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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