don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize