he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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