Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
