Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
