I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
