I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
