They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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