Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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