I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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