Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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