i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
