my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
