I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
