bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
